When I Cause Harm

I no longer worship the fabricated version of myself that is seemingly perfect.
I want to loudly declare my humanity and with it, my ever evolving sense of self and justice and hopes for community. I want it to be known that I am a work in progress. Continuously looking towards the future, always excited for who I am yet to become.

I also hope that if I declare my humanity and my flawed self loud enough that my community will be prepared for the consequences of my imperfection. Which is to say, I will screw up. Likely multiple times. I hope that most of my screw ups are small, I hope they are reversible and easily remedied - but there's no way to know for sure. And so, when I cause harm, I hope that I am not held to a standard of perfection that is often projected unto Black femmes. I hope that I am not disposed of, because that is easier and less complicated than a long drawn out process of community healing.

I reflected a really long time before writing this and posting it. Worried that the word "when" instead of "if" would be seen as some sort of admission of guilt for a non existent crime. I worry too, that any anti cancel culture folks would feel that this was some sort of vindication of their position. That it could somehow be interpreted as sympathizing with their perversion of transformative justice language to escape accountability. Another person lamenting that cancel culture has gone too far. Spoiler: it's not.

What I am hoping to do is employ radical empathy to envision better practices of community accountability and healing. This is not only about my hopes for how I am treated, but how I treat others.

I worry about how much we react to harm in a way that often runs counter to all we have unlearned and dreamed for our community. I hope that this will allow me to remember what my hopes were before harm occurs so that I am grounded in my principles when I am thrown into a situation that makes it convenient to throw them away. I worry too, that the practice of writing and posting and academically proselytizing about community and social movements encourages us to think about the actions of other people but not ourselves. We imagine that we will be the one who has been hurt but never the one to harm. And if we are, then somehow we will react perfectly to being told what we have done what we never thought we were capable of doing. So, this a reflection. Not a guide or an article of any sort. Just a reflection (that will likely be part of a series of reflections), that I hope will encourage others to reflect as well.

When I cause harm
I hope that you will treat the person that I've hurt with care. I hope that you do not resort first to disbelief. I hope that your instinct is not to assert all you know of me that makes their experience untrue. I hope your love for me does not make you cruel or callous. I hope you believe them.

I hope you will speak to me as human. I hope you will speak to me.

I hope you speak to me.
Whether curious or accusatory. Remember that I am imperfect. Trust me to hold space for your disappointment or your anger.
Trust that I am committed to being better.

I hope
that I really am committed to being better
like committed after days or weeks
or months
I hope that I am committed to healing
of self and community
the way I want the people I love to be committed to me

I hope
That in all of these conversations
I know
That your anger and hurt
Comes from love
I hope that your disappointment
Does not turn to punishment

I hope that we do not weave through the intricate tapestry
Of every interaction
I have had
stitching together a haphazard pattern
I hope you will not re-write history
To make sense of the present

I hope you will not discard me. I hope you are invested in a future where I exist and am allowed to take up space. I hope you are invested in a future where the person I have hurt is allowed to exist and take up space. And we will both be allowed to exist, even if we can’t always be in the same spaces.

I hope
That they heal
That they grow beyond anything and everything I have done
I hope that I become a footnote in the story of a life filled with growth

            With support

I hope that I heal
I hope that I never forget
Knowing the capacity I have to hurt

I hope that I never cause harm
But more than that I hope
That my hope is not overrun by fear
Does not turn sour
Does not become denial

I hope that I can turn harm into healing.
I hope you’ll let me.